sometimes i think: "things like this only happen to me" that may sound self involved, but seriously some weird and perhaps utterly bizarre things have happened to me in my lifetime--falling in a manhole in the dominican republic, falling down the stairs of the louvre, getting pneumonia while in one of the hottest places on earth...etc. recently, i have had a few situations that i now add to the ranks of the totally kooky...
i am not sure whether or not some of you know this or not, but apparently i am really hot to those of the male sex who are above the age of 75 (if i have to wait until i am that age to get married i might cry). i applied the rule of three to this phenomena and now it is in the theory stage.
the first time was at a starbucks in utah. andrew, carly and i went in to get hot chocolates trying to bide the time until our mission reunion which we refused to be on time for. i notice an old man walk in (he was also maybe homeless) and think "poor old man." then i sit down next to andrew and we all start talking until andrew informs me that the old man was creepily staring at me, while andrew stifled laughter i fought back tears when i looked up and he winked at me and smiled his near toothless smile. (we made it out of there in record time).
fast forward to a different state and a different starbucks: carly, allison and i were in line waiting to get hot chocolates to help aid our freezing bodies (today is -18 in rexburg, sick i know) when i notice that the old man in front of us is no longer facing the cashier but rather is facing us staring at carly and i. i could sense his eyes shifting as though he were thinking of something intelligent to say to us young females. i think allison sensed it too because the dork turned and left me and carly alone. of all the clever lines that i am sure went through that poor 76 year old's mind he went with "i am thinking of raising gas to $4.59 a gallon" as an ice-breaker (i doubt in all sincerity that he has any power over the price of gas). in an attempt to not be rude i go for sarcasm so that if i were to laugh it would be justified by my own wit and not the poor guy. "oh well i wish it were more like $20." yes, that is what i said, sad to say. carly laughed nervously as the guy stared blankly at me, a stare which eerily continued until carly made the joke better by saying "funny kirby, so how do you like this mug?"...then thank goodness it was the man's turn to order and we were able to evade further stares and conversation.
for two days i begrudgingly swore off all starbucks until the end of time or the age of 75 which ever came first, but then it happened again in a completely different location: walmart. i was pushing a cart walking through walmart with carly by my side. after glancing at the books and magazines we continued down the aisle until an old man (perhaps the oldest of the three cases) stopped the cart. with his arms wide open as though he were about to hug me he exclaimed "I HAVE FOUND WHAT I WAS LOOKING FOR, no need to shop any further" oh geez. i gave a nervous/awkward laugh and was able to hold in my "can you believe that just happened" laugh until we turned the corner and carly said "i am so offended, why didn't he say it to me too, he looked at me first and then i wasn't cute enough and he only said it to you?" (carly-again, there is nothing to be offended by, he was perhaps senile and definitely blind if he really did look at you first)
onto the next weird moment... i have recently decided that i would like to be a teacher, i want to teach art and special ed, maybe a conglomeration of the two. so i am working at a developmental disabilities agency to see if i have what it takes. my first day, no first thirty seconds were absolutely nothing like i thought they would be, or for that matter like i feel like the should have been.
i walk in expecting to be trained in my new position, ohhohau contraire....
"kirby good to meet you, we are too busy to train you, but **** is really easy to work with, just cuss at her and be mean to her." after shoving my eyes back in their sockets i said "umm what?" "follow me and you can meet her and i will show you" "uhh, alright??" i replied, very nervous at what i was to encounter around the corner. "hey butthead, this is kirby, you're such a punk, she is going to work with you today loser." aghast, i think "what in the world have i gotten myself into/only would this happen to me." there is just no way, i mean no way that i can be mean to her. i just cannot physically make myself be mean to a person on purpose, especially a person who is like a 3o year old infant. she is so cute when she laughs but it is mostly at swear words and comments like "you suck" (which all come from other people). i can tell that everyone else thinks i am a weirdo for not giving in and saying the f word just so she will laugh. but, i have gotten her to laugh at me when i act like a fool (which sadly i think the other staff think that i am an idiot) and yesterday i read her a story about a giant and amethysts and she laughed harder than when i played her "womanizer" by bs, i think we are making progress. now, if only the rest of the people would stop kicking her bum and calling her names i think her morbid sense of humor would switch. sidenote: i have yet to be trained other than the good "be a jerk/swear a lot" tip.
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